Some of us have never played a nonstandard team on PBS before.
Some of us have never played PBS before.
And some of us have never seen elephants eat shit out of each other's asses.
There's a first time for everything.
During one of my mid-morning sprees of internet surfing, I was in Azure Chat, as was Mr. K. He asked me if I wanted to play with him and his Porygon. I had nothing better to do, so I was all, "Hell yeah."
I was all excited, cuz the only real trainer who's ever fought K to my knowledge was cfalcon, and here I was, getting a chance to put up dukes with the Azurian leader just to help test out Project Porygon.
I went ahead and logged into PBS with a new team, and clicked wait. Sure enough...
Mr.K wants to fight!
I really couldn't believe this biz. Talk about hella cool.
So anyway, I led Flareon. As expected, K sent out the almighty ass-kicking Wigglytuff. Flareon focused, while Wiggly slapped a friendly T-Wave on the poor Eeveelution's ass. Thinking I was gonna show this Wiggly who was boss for the PAR, I selected Body Slam.
But Mr. K had other plans, as he brought in Psyduck, thinking this would be the perfect time for the water pre-evolution to strut his stuff. Fortunately for me, the Focus Energy did its job, and the Body Slam was a CH, dropping Psyduck to 20%. K chose to cut his losses, and rather than salvaging Psyduck, hit with a super-effective Surf, dropping Flareon to 58% and taking the faint on the next Body Slam.
K decides that it's time for Flareon to die, and sends out Snorlax. After deciding that Snorlax was probably his scariest Pokémon, I pulled Flareon, and sent out Ditto. My Ditto was equipped with Transform, Absorb, Absorb, and Absorb. I'd hate to be a frozen water Pokémon against that snap!
Anyway, Snorlax used Earthquake on the switch, so Ditto was hurting at 59% from the start. Before any minds were changed, I hit Transform...
...and out comes Koffing! Shitto had been had. After "Transforming" into Koffing, however, he was still a Ditto, with the moves I originally had assigned him. Note to Kero: fix Transform so I can use purple goo Pokémon.
Anyway, Ditto now knew he was in some trouble. Especially considering that Absorb isn't too great against Koffing (and STABless at that). I went ahead and hit his ass with an Absorb, and it brought Ditto from 59% all the fucking way up to 60%! Yeah, now we're talking! Then, Koffing used T-Bolt and Sludge, while Ditto was desperately Absorbing to regain health. Final result: Ditto is worse than Koffing.
Enraged that Ditto had died so foolishly, I decided it was time to bring on some big guns. Out goes Charizard. Thankfully, Ditto had used enough Absorbs to bring that Koffing's stinky ass down to 92%, which was a perfect kill setup for Charizard. I blasted him with Fire, dropping him to 26%, and his T-bolt payback dropped Charizard to 64%, which is pretty good for STABless Koffing. Anyway, Charizard hit with another blast of da heat, and Koffing lay lifeless like a burnt out stinkbomb.
Off the bench returns Snorlax, who had just coyly tricked Ditto into death. But Charizard knew of this. And boy was he pissed.
I let loose with yet another Fire Blast, bringing K's Lax down to 66%, and hitting up with some friendly BRN. But just as Charizard started to celebrate, his ass took a hard Body Slamming, he falls to 29%, and eats some PAR.
Thanks to the speed reduction, noble Charizard eats another Body Slam, and is toasted.
Fortunately, there was a mad-ass Machump on my bench, equipped with not only Submission, but homosexual Fighting Pokémon panties to boot. Out goes Machump, who wastes no time, only Pokémon. Sleep well, Lax.
Sittin' pretty at 80% (thanks to huge recoil off Submission cuzza Snorlax's HP), Machump gayly displayed his panties, as K send out his fighting ace, Hitmonlee.
Not exactly sure how to deal with this snap, Machump starts playing with himself, and winds up getting pumped. Foolishly thinking that Machump would leave his own body parts alone, K had ordered Lee to counter, but it did nothing. Machump seemed most pleased with his ass.
Lee lets out a ferocious Rolling Kick, bringing Machamp to 54%, but the Pantied Pokémon was nowhere near done. Nossir, he lets out a Focused Body Slam, which hits for a CH, bringing K's asskicking Lee down to 29%. Lee shoots out a Hi Jump Kick, pulling the Chump down to 20%, but it was too late, as the Chump busts the ground open with an EQ, felling Bruce Lee.
Out comes Mr. K's famous Butterfree, and knowing that I was screwed as far as Machamp goes, I decided it would be best to eat the embarrassment of having lost a Pokémon to Butterfree, rather than switching and losing Machamp to something else later.
Trying not to be too scared of this flying insect, I thought, "What would Tarzan do?"
So obviously, I sent out a killer snake.
Arbok and Buttterfree exchanged Glare for Stun Spore, and then I screeched his ass on the following turn's FP. Mr. K sees firsthand how shitty FP can be on PBS.
Arbok bites him down to 62%, and more FP strikes. I could tell K was getting annoyed with shitty FP, especially considering my snake thing was paralyzed as well. I Bite him again, and he lands on 20%, as he finally breaks thru the FP, using a super-effective special dropping Psychic, landing Snakeass on 49%.
However, Arbok was one hungry fuck. No FP slows him down. Another Bite finishes off the insect meal.
K brings back his lead, Wiggly. The Tuff is obviously ÜberPyssed, and wastes no time. A damn agressive Body Slam busts the hell out of Arbok, with a CH.
I can almost hear the chant of "Wiggly!" taunting me in my head. You sure don't want to get that thing riled up.
I decide to give Flareon another shot, and it comes back to Flareon vs. Wigglytuff, same as the start. K decides to roll the dice, and Wiggly tries to pretend that Flareon is MT0's old signature. A giant Hyper Beam busts loose...
DaSwiftSneaka's FLAREON at 3% health.
Excellent, says I. Flareon used his Body Slam for that turn hitting the Wiggly up with some PAR, and dropping it to 75%. Pondering commences. Flareon wants this battle to end with him, and he wants it to end with style.
An FP anywhere in this would totally fuck my ass over, so it was risky.
On the recharge, Flareon Focused up, and had to hope. Next turn...
Your opponent ended the battle.
K got the same message, so it was assumed that Hyper Beam hit. Damn Exit Bug.
On the bench, I had a Jolteon with Thundershock, Thunder Wave, Double Kick, and Tackle. He was ready to go, should the need arise.
Anyway, damn fine match, K. I wasn't sure exactly what you'd play, so I think I mighta used a little bit too good of a team.
People like Mr. K are the kind of people that make Pokémon fun to play. I have a pretty good feeling that the next SneakTourney will be Sucky Cup now. There's a good deal of skill found there.
After the battle, Wigglytuff wasn't too happy, so it proceeded to approach a Clefaggot, pull a knife, and hang it on a hook to dry in the sun. The Clefaggot skin should be dried sometime tomorrow.
Mr. K and I decided that we'd have an Ekans vs. Koffing battle the next time we played, as it should be a pretty even match. And in order for Jolteon to play, it should probably be at L75 with standard moves.
K, it was an honor to test Project Porygon with you (which is looking very nice, I might add). Major props on that biz, man.
Afterwards, we talked about elephants at the zoo.
"Ever see an elephant reach into the asshole of another, pull out a whole wad of poop, and eat it?"
- Mr. K, during a conversation about the Zoo