What IS this poop?

(now with 19% more poop!)

You couldn't just klik the kan, eh? Well...here's some answers, bucko.

What that hell is that Thing?

It's just a pak full of lots of (over 65) new Quake sounds. (If you don't have Quake, you really took a wrong turn somewhere. Cut your losses and go home now.) It serves no useful purpose other than to amuse (or annoy). C'mon, just klik the friggin kan.

So, why the hell should I care?

Well, OK, it's not entirely useless. The sounds are memorable, and therefore more easily distinguishable than the standard Quake sounds, so they do help you by making it easier to use sound cues to figure out what others are doing nearby and such. But that's not really the point. Any beneficial side effects are purely coincidental.

The point is that the sounds are amusing and make the game playable if you left your White Zombie CD in the car. I find that without my sounds, I get bored with the standard ones pretty quickly.

What the hell is so special about these sounds anyway?

The sole qualification for the inclusion of a sound in this pak is "stuff I like". I happen to like White Zombie, da Beatsie Boys, Devo, Faith No More, the Jerky Boys, and a buncha other music, movies (including my own), cartoons and rude noises. The sounds range from the extremely subtle to annoyingly in yo face. If this appeals to you, we're in business. Klik that damn kan already.

The sounds are optimized for Deathmatch play, since single player Quake is totally boring. The ones that exist will work fine in single player mode, but I haven't added any monster sounds or anything.

I have a few samples here, but they're pretty lame outside the Quake environment. It's more sort of a cumulative thing. But, if you really must ruin the surprise, try this, that, or the other one.

Those are one of the generic pain noises, the jump noise and the your-Ring-of-Eyes-is-running-out noise, respectively.

If you bothered to download those or if you are still reading, you are obviously far more interested in Our Thing than the average Joe. Give yourself a little present and klik the kan.

OK, OK, how the hell do I use your Thing?

Just download the pak (by klikking the kan above), rename it to pak2.pak and stick it in your id1 directory. If you already have a pak2.pak, make it pak3.pak. If you already have a pak3.pak, make it pak4.pak. And so on. Pretty simple.

If the sounds start getting on your nerves, you can rename it, move the pak to different directory, throw it out, whatever. At least you tried.

Why the hell did you bother?

The original idea was to just geek around and do something to occupy my time (and keep my mind off a certain lesbian who refuses to turn queer and do a Chasing Amy for me) and entertain myself and my friends, but I have since decided to expose this steaming mound of poo to the masses. Lucky you.

Who the hell are the Keepers of the Probe?

We are the guys who bring you Our Thing. And this page. We are not a geeky loser "clan".

It's not that we aren't geeky losers, it's just that we're real live actual friends in real life. We didn't meet each other on-line. We didn't just pop into games and start bugging the frag leader with annoying questions like "Hey, do you want to join a kewl clan?".

I hate that krap.

We don't even have a skin (but that's just because Fecal's so damn lazy), our web page sucks, as you can see, and we never coordinate well enough to actually all play on the same server.

Still, we are geeks, there is no denying that. So here we are.

Each of us has our official KOTP moniker (I am Rectal Intruder), then the name we use when none of the other KOTP guys is around (nearly always) (I am J.Thaddeus Toad, by the way) and we don't feel like getting into a big "Hey, are you a fag?" discussion with some damn 12 year old punk (who's probably kicking our ass anyway).

KOTP Name	Regular Name	KOTP Duty
Rectal Intruder	J.Thaddeus Toad	Sound Pak & Lame Web Page
AssFault	Brak	GameComm & MouseWheel
Fecal Inducer	Poot!	KOTP Skin
Sphinctal Dilator	Deadman Joe	Official Corpse
Colonic Visitor	Mr. Poopypants	Mascot & Frag Fodder
Anal Aggressor	Original Porkstaar	Whipping Boy

What the hell are the rest of the Keepers doing?

Not much, Quake-wise, really. AssFault wrote a nifty little application called GameComm that allows friends who wish to QuakeWorld at the same time to keep tabs on each other. It's faster and easier to use than GameSpy's buddy lists, but it's not bulletproof. Unfortunately, some other people got something similar working a little while ago and AssFault got all depressed about it. Then he switched ISPs and now you can't even download the prototype.

So you see how we are, and how lucky you are that at least one of us has a tiny bit of follow-through. Otherwise, you'd never get Our Thing. Of course, it took me just about two years to put the "new" sounds I've had lying around into the kan, but, hey, at least I did it, right?

Anyway, AssFault also wrote a little something that lets you use that wheel thingy on the Microsoft Mouse to do stuff in Quake (or any other program that doesn't automatically set it up for you). Unfortunately, since his web page is gone, you can't get that either. That's a real bummer, because that thing really worked, and now when we play Quake on foreign machines, I can't friggin change weapons.

Fecal Inducer is supposedly working on our skin, which is in such a state that we're embarrassed to release it to the public.

The rest of the Keepers are just slackers. But they enjoy the occasional missile to the booty.

What the hell is The Probe?

The Probe is a sacred artifact that will not be discussed on so lame a page. Trust us when we say, however, that it is unpleasant.

When the hell are you going to finish this project?

Well, I'll probably never "finish", but I am pretty close to done. I mean, Quake 3 is already out for crissakes. But the fabulous "Swamp Sound" which I fiddle with about every six months still doesn't work to my satisfaction, and that haunts my very existence.

Right now, there are something like 65 sounds in that kan up there. There will probably be more to come. If you are absolutely dying to get the latest sounds ASAP, let me know and I will inform you when the new pak comes out.

What the hell did you use to make your Thing?

I used the regular ole SoundRec.exe that's probably sitting on your hard drive right now to sample CDs. I used SoundEffects (which apparently is now a goner) on the Mac to sample things from Real Life as well as some very minor tweaking.

To do the major mucking about with the files, I used Cool Edit for the effects and mixing and this weird little Japanese applet that does a pretty good job of noise reduction, except that it's all in Japanese, so I had to figure out what all the buttons did thru trial and error. I am certain there is an easier way, but this is My Way.

Oh, and I used PakExplorer to slap it all together. I highly recommend this product for all your Quake geeking needs.

Why the hell does this web page suck so bad?

I spent my time making decent sounds, not mucking about in HTML. I don't think rotating skulls or pointless Java krap would improve my little pak file in any way. Especially since there's almost nothing to say about it, as you can see.

Still, people ask questions, so here are the answers.

Feel free to jazz up my site in your spare time and send me the results. I will not complain.

Enough questions. Go download Our Thing already.

You know you want it.

The views and opinions expressed on this page are strictly those of the author. The contents and links have not been reviewed or approved by the University of Miami.